just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
