Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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