Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
