I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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