I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
we're so committed to being not committed
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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