TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
