my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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