And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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