there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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