you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
