i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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