He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
