can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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