I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
