so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
