life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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