that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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