I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
