apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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