Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
