i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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