the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
