Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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