i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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