Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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