seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
