So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
