did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
