someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
