If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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