Fine. I'll sleep in my office
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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