Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
