Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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