I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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