Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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