My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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