just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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