as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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