I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Less talking, more tequila
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
