I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
