I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
