So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I smell like Dick and happiness
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
