my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
