You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
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i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
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You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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