i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
