ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
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I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
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SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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