the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
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Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
sex in a hospital.. check
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There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember