I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
