i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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