Christians are straight up FREAKS
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
