you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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