i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
