So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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