i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
two words...techno handjob
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He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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