I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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