The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
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She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
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I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
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